My life has been so chaotic emotionally. I am still not able to sit in the discomfort of bigger changes in my life. I have made great strides with sitting in the discomfort of other changes that I never thought I could. I am proud of that. My present struggle doesn’t negate my growth. It’s been a long road. For the past six weeks, I have tumbled off the surf board as I attempted to ride the wave. I’ve fought my way to get back on the board, so I don’t drown. I’ve been scraped by the bottom and pounded by the waves. Today, I sit in frustration. Today, I sit in disappointment. Today, I sit in guilt and even shame. In this moment, I fully sit in resistance to anything that has to do with recovery. Why? Why and how is my mind here?
I know all the things to do: text a friend, follow the meal plan, see my therapist, journal, go for a walk, etc. Those things don’t really matter. I do all these things but as the shell of a person. They aren’t integrated into the emotional aspect of me, or any part of me really. The crazy and most frustrating part for me is that despite how holistically miserable my mind feels, I keep surrendering to Coach. WTF? Why after all this time, in the snap of a fingers can my brain want to engage in the eating disorder?
This week I’ve talked to Crissi, Brooke, Mirna, Nancy B, Jadon, Mary, Abbie, Grace, Bri, Lindsay, and a few professionals. I have to integrate the tools with me holistically. I have to actually engage in the work. I realize, again, I must CONTINUOSLY engage in the work. Because my eating disorder consumed so much of my life for so many years, I can go back, in what feels like the snap of a fingers. I will choose compassion and curiosity instead of judging this frustrating and temporary time.
Low and behold, in the compassion and curiosity I have found great insight! When life feels chaotic, Coach gives me rules and structure to feel safe despite the rules hurting me. When I cannot sit in the discomfort of so many emotions positive and negative, Coach allows me to numb and disengage with life. Not feeling means not hurting. Not feeling also means not living life.
The silver lining in the struggle IS all the hard work I’ve done. The hard work allows me to see where I am today. I feel like it’s a minor slip today and 10 years ago I would never believe I could be this healthy. Perspective. Dang. Writing this out is giving me the motivation to hop back on the surf board and take in the perspective from the top of the wave. As I write, I realize that in the snap of the fingers, I can take recovery focused actions now. I’ve had years of practice in recovery too. So, I’ll get after it! I’m a fighter! Tell me I can’t, I’ll show you Coach!
