Fall is around the corner. It is my favorite season. I love being able to layer my clothes, wear my Patagonia vests, anticipate ski season, drink hot coffees, and see the aspens change. As I was hiking through the mountains gazing at the golden aspens this weekend, I thought about seasons in nature. These thoughts quickly turned into metaphor for the seasons of my own life.
Recovery has many seasons. I am currently in a new season. I can relate to an aspen tree. My leaves have caused me to pause in awe of their beauty. The beauty of working through hard issues and coming out on the other side. The beauty of forgiving myself. The beauty of releasing those places of hurt. My leaves are falling away much like the aspen tree. More and more pieces of the eating disorder fall from me.
Once the leaves are gone, I have room for a new season of growth. A new season where my faith, self, relationships, school, work, and my health are priority over rituals, rules, obsessions, exercise, hating my body, and negative thoughts. I am in a space where I choose to show up and live my life. I choose to engage. I continue to work through the uncomfortable places of engagement. I am trying to make grace actionable in my shortcomings. I need lots of grace when I #doitdifferently. I choose to work on changing my worldview to be one that is more positive, trusting, optimistic, realistic, and anchored in the truth of my faith. My filter is more hot pink than “good” or “bad” in this season. Working on perceiving the world in a different lens is helping me in my recovery.
For example, I noticed while I was hiking this weekend. I was more present than I usually am. I noticed the smell of the pine trees. I felt the sun, hot on my skin. I felt the coolness of the breeze on my body, making my sweat feel cool to my skin. I heard the golden aspens leaves crunch beneath my feet. I recognized I was really living in the here and now. I took in the huge mountain views, big blue sky, and the vivid dark browns, yellows, greens, golds, and orange hues all around me.
I reflected on seasons in my life that have been stormy, rocky, wonderful, and blah. I reflected on how each day I get stronger and further from the eating disorder. I thought about all the ups and downs and complacent seasons. I grieved all the years of my life I have missed while being GRATEFUL. Grateful for being in the middle of nowhere soaking up the sun and taking in views that these photos and my words cannot explain.
My heart is full!