Saturday, I spoke at EDCare with the amazing Dr. Tamara Pryor. I shared my eating disorder and recovery journey. It’s been 15 months since we’ve been able to speak together because of COVID. I like to keep my story updated on how I’m doing in recovery presently. It’s always evolving. Eating disorder recovery is multifaceted. My current area of growth is body image. I am sure body image will always be a constant moving part of my recovery.
On Saturday, I brought up the idea that diet culture and fatphobia have sent me and others the message that bigger bodies are bad bodies. You don’t believe me? When’s the last time you or someone else has complained about weight gain or been fearful of weight gain? When is the last time you or someone else has complimented someone for weight loss? All these examples reinforce the idea that bigger bodies are bad.
I spoke on how I’m learning if others comment or judge my body, that it is less about me and more about their internalized fatphobia or insecurities. I felt confident, present, aligned, safe in my body, authentic, and grateful when said my truth at EDCare.
Two days later…
I found myself staring at my thighs with a pair of shorts on in a dressing room. I suddenly wasn’t confident. I felt insecure in my body. I felt like something was wrong with me because of how my legs looked. I observed as the thoughts uncontrollably popped into my head:
“These shorts are not flattering!”
“Your legs have gotten really big!”
“Time to tighten those muscles up!”
“I can’t believe you had to get that size!”
“You don’t look great but at least they fit.”
“You’re bigger than you thought!”
“You need to workout more!”
“You should just wear pants or long skirts all summer.”
For a second, I started to believe these thoughts. In an instant I felt discouraged and almost cried. Then, I remembered how I felt speaking about body image. I remembered the growing pains I’m having with learning that nothing is wrong with my body and everything is wrong with diet culture. I went back to my values around my body. Instead of judging myself, I was curious and poked at those thoughts—where did I first receive these messages? Ah yes—diet culture and fatphobia!
I bought the damn shorts because they are cute!
I bought the shorts because I deserve to feel comfortable this summer!
BIGGER BODIES ARE NOT BAD BODIES…SAY IT AGAIN!
I have a new bikini coming in this week, I’m sure I’ll have something to say about that too. Here’s a pic of me in my new shorts.