Growth

I’ve been itching to blog for a while now. I just haven’t been able to pinpoint what I want to write about. After visiting my friends and family over Thanksgiving, the topic became clear: Growth. 

For those of you who have only known me in recovery and healthy, you don’t fully understand how different I am and how far I have come. For those of you who have been on the journey, you see it. I feel it. I know it. I live it. 

It is easy for me with this many years of recovery under my belt to forget how awful and how hard those years were for me. When I think about the things that terrified me like eating in front of people, eating in general, not being able to exercise every day, eating desserts, fear of gaining just one pound, and fear of not having the opportunity to engage in eating disorder behaviors, I can’t believe how mixed up my mind and body were for so long. 

If you knew me in the past, I obsessively talked about running and races, lied, counted calories in and calories burned, constantly thought and talked about food, and I was in a different body. If you were close to me in the beginning, as the disorder intensified and I was more out of control, I lost myself and you, I gained distance in our relationship. Eventually, I was isolated and only had my eating disorder, Coach. To be quite honest running, restricting, purging, and losing weight felt like all I needed. I falsely believed I didn’t need people if I had Coach. I burned a lot of bridges, lost trust, and was all over the place. 

I tried over and over again to get better. I tried counseling, seeing doctors, and dietitians. I sought spiritual counsel and the guidance of mentors but I couldn't get free. In fact, as the years went by it only worsened. I stopped caring or believing I would ever be ok. I believed I probably wouldn’t live past 30 and would die of my eating disorder. It was awful and sad all the time. 

My first time in treatment, I heard things I had never heard about food and exercise like the compensation science not actually being how food and movement work and that all foods fit. My mental health was also cared for and challenged. It was both a little traumatic the first few weeks and also extremely eye opening. It was the first time I got a “taste” of recovery and what life without Coach being in charge could look and feel like. I was so confident that I created this problem and could make it go away with all the skills and psychoeducation. I really believed it was a choice and my fault. I would later learn that wasn’t the case. 

You can imagine my frustration and discouragement when within five weeks of discharging, I was in a full relapse. I hated myself so much. I was so embarrassed. This went on for another 6 years until I got help again. I failed again. But with each perceived “failure” I WAS GROWING! I just didn’t see it. It felt like copy, paste, and repeat to me. Finally, in 2017 I decided I would go all in with the recommendations of my outpatient team. If it didn’t work, I would go all in with the eating disorder. Thankfully, my team was right and I’m here to share my experience. 

While home last week I went out with a mentor/second mom who has walked the entirety of this journey. She has NEVER left or given up on me. I don’t know how? She texted me this week and said, “Love you and love seeing what a wonderful woman you have grown into…you have triumphed :)”. This caused a reflection of what previous holidays were like for me and how I really don’t think twice about food and exercise anymore or any of the other eating disorder behaviors. I even reside in a larger body from my former sick body. I would rather be healthy and in a larger body than sick and in a smaller body. My body at this size would have been “detrimental” in my eating disorder. Healthy me is ok! 

If you are struggling, I want to note that until I did my trauma work, I wasn’t able to abstain from behaviors. As long as I didn’t face my trauma, the more I NEEDED the eating disorder and Coach. Slowly processing my trauma with an amazing and safe therapist while working with my RD on following a meal and movement plan led me to begin to trust the process. I began to physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally feel terrible at first. The more I stuck with it, showed myself compassion and grace, and let my friends in, the healing began, and I DID FEEL BETTER! 

I’m tearful as I type right now. I’m just so grateful and thankful I didn’t die. I thought that I would. I am so thankful I am here and can share my story with you. I am so grateful for my life, my friends, my colleagues, my community, and the ability to be a therapist and walk alongside others on their own eating disorder journey. I am so honored to offer and give hope, to show healing is possible. I am living proof that recovery is possible. 

Hang in there if you are struggling.

Reach out for support. 

Keep fighting the good fight if you are on the recovery path.

Do it differently when you get to the spot that is scary to move forward in recovery.

Big hugs and love from me!

❤️Mindy