Thoughts vs Actions

When I do a speaking engagement with Dr. Tamara Pryor, we leave ample time at the end for audience members to participate in Q&R (Question & Response—because we don’t have all the answers). Almost every time, I get the question, “Do you still have eating disorder thoughts?”.

I usually get a surprised reaction from the audience when I answer, “yes”. I don’t have them all the time. Most of the time they are passing and fleeting. However, the past few weeks something I haven’t experienced in years has resurfaced.

I do other work in addition to my eating disorder work. The other job has been extremely stressful over the past four weeks. I have been stretched thin. Honestly, seeing my clients has been what I look forward to every week and what energizes me.

As the stress has continued to heighten, I’ve noticed things like more tension in my body, difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep, and anxiety that feels unmanageable at times. Internally, it feels like a hamster wheel that is always going and won’t stop, it only gets faster and faster. I also feel like this will never end and continue to get more intense. The pace of my life has caused me to be not as mindful about food and movement due to being exhausted and stressed. I’ve eaten out a little more than I prefer. I’ve gotten home so late where I can barely keep my eyes opened and have missed dinner. I’ve wanted to move my body, and I don’t have time, or I try to move longer but my body won’t allow it due to the muscle tension.

Wrapped up, trying to find comfort amidst the stress.

I think the last time I felt this stretched was when I was getting my hours for licensure. I was seeing multiple clients per week while working full time. I had some of the same physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental experiences.

I don’t know why I am surprised that Coach has been so loud!

I am in a place where I never thought I could be. I can’t believe how many intense thoughts are running through my mind the more stressed I am.  I am not engaging in behaviors, and I see how not being consistent with movement and food could lead me down a path I do not want to be on.

Coach is testing me. He’s been challenging my lack of hot pink thinking with things like, “Who cares, just have a behavior? It will be the release you need. You can just throw all your work away. It’s not a big deal.”

“You don’t have to tell anyone, not even your therapist or closest friends. It can be like old times when it was just our secret.”

“You need this high. You haven’t had it in so long!”

“You will feel so much better!”

“Just do it! You will thank me!”

And thankfully, with all the practicing of my coping skills and friends, the voice of FREEDOM is louder.

“You cannot throw all your work away. It will destroy you internally because you always want to be authentic and help others at your core.”

“Your second value is connection. Coach will take it away.”

“You won’t be able to hide this from your therapist or your friends.”

“It is true, nothing will ever give you a high like Coach, and your life is amazing, a different kind of high.”

“Play it forward. Will you feel better afterwards? No, you will have guilt and shame unfortunately. That is just how your brain works.”

“Is temporary relief worth years of work, regaining other’s trust, both careers, advocacy, and helping others?”

Then there is me, my voice, my Self Energy. I choose to cope in other ways and stay on my recovery journey. Those tangible ways have been, checking in with my therapist and doctor, taking my meds, writing, taking baths, going to PT for my tight muscles, coloring, taking breaks, meal prepping, being honest with my friends about what is going on, skiing, setting boundaries with my capacity right now, watching my favorite shows when I can, and resting on the weekends. I choose me! I don’t choose Coach. I will remain curious, confident, and courageous.

These intense dialogues don’t happen too often, thank goodness. As a matter of fact, my therapist reminded me this week, that it makes perfect sense that Coach would be loud. I am under immense stress and pressure. My way of coping for 20 years has been eating disorder behaviors. Even though I have 8 years of recovery and 10 years since my last time in treatment, in “eating disorder recovery years” it’s not that long. Plus, I add in the constant noise of diet culture and our society’s fear of fat, and it doesn’t help when Coach is loud. I sometimes forget who I am and what I was created to be.

I’ve always prided myself in being authentic in my journey. I don’t think it’s helpful to pretend I don’t have thoughts and that I’m not tempted to engage in behaviors. Maybe your story is different and that’s ok. I’m so happy for you! But, for those who understand or live in the shame of having thoughts or even slipping after a long period of recovery, it’s ok. It’s real. It’s life. I probably need to do some work around that shame piece.

I’ve been able through honesty with the support of my friends and therapist to understand thoughts vs action.

It’s what you do with the thoughts or the slip.

Do you keep in a secret and stay in shame, or can you be authentic and reach out for support?

Today, after a good night of sleep, I’ve had breakfast, been on a short walk while listening to my body, and now I’m going to rest more. Holistically, that is what I need.

I hope you take care of yourself today!

<3 Mindy

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