Last week, I hosted my Second Annual Say Cheese & Charcuterie: A Body Positive Event. It was incredible! The energy, the people, the support—it all came together to create a truly amazing experience!
Two of my goals this year were:
To bring together a variety of mental health providers in the eating disorder, substance use, and general mental health fields. I wanted these worlds to network and form new connections.
To celebrate who we are as people IN our bodies and challenge or neutralize any negative body thoughts that arise when getting a picture taken.
At one point during the event, I stood still and looked around. My goals were not only met but exceeded my expectations. I dreamt of my event going one way, and it was even better than I had imagined.
My event is filled with so many emotions for me. Emotions, whether positive or negative, can be intense and difficult for me to regulate sometimes. I blogged last year about how my event impacted me emotionally afterward. This year, I overprepared. I had a plan to debrief with a friend and a therapy session this past week. Because I overprepared, I missed out on the immediate feelings. I swung to numbness for fear of the intensity of positive emotions. I did not want to feel dysregulated, overwhelmed, or out of control.
I was able to see the photos from the event today, thanks to the amazing Erin Cox at ELC Photography. I witnessed two of my friends see them for the first time. Their excitement and joy at the beauty of themselves in the photos brought tears to my eyes. I’m starting to feel the emotions now. Those initial feelings I felt 12 hours ago are hitting me now, when I should be sleeping. It’s just too much right now, so I had to write.
These intense positive emotions are also met with the reality that this time in 2008, I was in treatment for the first time for my eating disorder. My first time in treatment has always been special for me. It’s the first time I admitted I had a problem and needed help. I met Dr. Tamara Pryor (#iykyk). I learned a different perspective about my thoughts, about myself, food, and body that blew my mind. I abstained from behaviors for the first time. I started to talk about hard things. I was vulnerable in a different way. I was open to medication. Most importantly, I was given a second chance to live and not die from my eating disorder.
Because of my second chance, I can stand before you and myself, in recovery, hosting events about being about YOU and not your looks or body, and be a damn good clinician in the eating disorder space. EVERYTHING I live out today was impossible for me to believe I could do for so many years. Here I am, living it out in freedom.
While positive…it’s just a lot.
I’ll ride the wave.
I’ll take it in bits and pieces.
I’ll text my friends.
I’ll talk about it.
I’ll keep crying.
I’ll write.
I’ll remember…I like her. She is worthy.
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