I'm Alone But Not in How I Feel

I have been quiet for some time now on my blog. I experienced a boredom that left me too bored to even do anything. I had writer’s block.

I have grand ideas of cleaning the mountain of clothes off my floor, writing a letter, going for a walk, doing the dishes, playing guitar, calling a friend, or watching something on TV. I am so bored I did nothing. I know, it makes no sense. I don’t know how else to explain it.

I started doing the above activities and then I stopped. It’s amazing all the things I’ve wanted to do but seem to never have time. It’s amazing that I have all the time and now don’t want to do any of the things.

The first seven weeks of quarantine weren’t too difficult. I’m fortunate enough to be able to work from home, get outside, and stay healthy. However, the past two weeks have been up and down emotionally. The boredom hit harder. The activities I enjoyed became mundane. I began feeling depressed and sad. I found myself in a space of nothingness.

I haven’t been as gentle with myself as I need to be. I definitely haven’t replaced my self judgement with curiosity. I look at myself and think, “You’re being ungrateful. You’re lazy! You have everything you need and shouldn’t be depressed. You need to move more. You are being lazy!” The thoughts go on and on and on. I find comfort in knowing that these thoughts are shared. I’m not alone.

This whole quarantine for me is summed up with this: You’re not alone in what you are feeling alone. Read it one more time. Get it? I’m not alone in how I’m feeling. But I am feeling it alone and isolated.

I texted a colleague last night and said, “The quarantine blues finally got me!” Followed with any blue emojis I could find. They responded with:

“Guess that puts in you in the hot…lilac, tepid fuchsia, lukewarm lavender?”

[mixing hot pink + blue]

I died laughing so hard. Humor helps me. I think last night while I was living in a more pastel kind of purple, I am becoming more comfortable swirling through the waves of colors coming my way. In the past, I could not have tolerated all these unknowns, emotions, and feelings. I would have been engaging in eating disorder behaviors all day.

For those of you struggling and triggered during this time, I see you. I am here for you. I understand the struggle deeply. Hang in there. Let’s be compassionate with ourselves together…instead of alone. Today has been better. I don’t know what the night holds in store or even tomorrow. I do know that I can be present and keep living in the hot pink right now!