Last week was confusing for me. I felt like I lost all my hunger and full cues. I kept eating and eating. I never felt hungry. I never felt full. I ate foods that I don’t even like. I did all the “eating disorder recovery” things like checking in with my body, asking myself what I am feeling, pausing between bites, and making an appointment with my therapist.
There was something comforting in eating even though I felt like I was doing something wrong. The more I ate, it fueled an old voice in my head telling me I had to fix it by moving my body more. I felt crazy. My brain felt hijacked by old thoughts and feelings. I did not act on those thoughts and feelings.
What is wrong with me?
I know rationally that bodies need different amounts of nutrients and movement over time. Bodies change daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. My body was ok with changing, but my head was not.
I'm learning food can be an ok coping skill until it causes a disorder or problem. I know that I was very stressed out and anxious about election week. I also had a lot of work stress going on. And who knows, maybe my body was needing more food and more rest?
Maybe for the first time I appropriately used food as a coping skill and it actually wasn’t disordered eating.
Maybe I am going to be ok.
I’m ok.
