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I Can Hear Coach

My mind has been consumed lately. My footing hasn’t been sturdy. I haven’t felt grounded. I’ve felt scared at times. I’ve been searching everywhere for any kind of answers. In my searching, the voice of Coach (my eating disorder) has become loud enough to hear. He tries to allure me back. He tempts me with glorifying my sick body and specific movement metrics. Coach has been relentless. Coach is sneaky. Coach starts by twisting the positive thoughts I have about myself and th

You Look Like You've Lost Weight

I’ve been sick for about 10 days. I had a cold. My normal one I get every year either in February or March. As with most of us, I’m assuming, our appetite changes when we are sick. Well for me anyway. I don’t have much of an appetite. I don’t eat as much. Once I’m over the worst part of my cold, my appetite comes back. I eat everything in sight because I’m so hungry, then I go back to my “norm” for what my body needs. Last week, a friend, who knows my story, said to me, “You

Where’s the Ski Gear in my Size?

Throughout my eating disorder, my body has been in a variety of sizes. When my body was in a thinner body, I had no problem finding cute ski clothing to wear that fit perfectly. When my body changed into a bigger body, I found myself thinking, “I’m so fat I can’t even find ski clothes to wear.” The message I heard when nothing in the store would go over my thighs was, “If you want to have ski clothes, you need to lose weight.” Which translated in my head to, “I’m less of a pe

Values and Recovery

Guest speaking is my FAVORITE part of what I get to do in the eating disorder recovery community! I speak at EDCare in Denver, CO often. Every time I share my journey of how my eating disorder started, what the struggles of turning away from the disorder were, the joys, happiness, courage, and strength to maintain recovery, I’m blown away by reflecting on my progress. It’s easy to forget how far I’ve come! There are times I’m sharing my story and I remember sitting in the sam

I Didn't Fit In...

If you are reading this sentence, it’s safe to assume there has been, at a minimum, one time you didn’t fit in: social groups, sports teams, neighborhoods, churches, family, school, towns, cultures, clothing…what about physical spaces in public like airplane or bus seats, stadium seats at games or concerts? Sound familiar? This week, I didn’t fit in…a chair at a coffee shop. I identify as living in a bigger body. I have anxiety when going to restaurants, coffee shops, or the

Having A Cold Can Be Triggering

I have been super sick this week. I flew home for Thanksgiving. On Saturday, when flying back to Denver, I started feeling sick. Not only did I feel sick, but my flight was delayed by two hours. Once I got to DIA, I missed the last train to the Park N Ride where I left my car by 20 minutes. I ended up having to pay $42 to Lyft to my car when the train would have been free for me. Again, I was not feeling well, and the 20-minute drive home was super icy. I finally walked into

Fall-Unexpected Rhythms in Sadness and Glory

I was captivated by this tree yesterday. I’ve experienced recent unexpected changes with my treatment team. Another form of grief and loss in life, not only recovery. These things are out of my control and are circumstances that have nothing to do with me. I can’t deny the hurt of having clinicians, who I’ve entrusted, with the raw, intricate, secretive, and tender parts of my story, heart, and soul move onto other opportunities. I also can’t deny the healing these beautiful

Why Do Numbers Hold So Much Power?

The past week has been incredibly stressful. I have struggled with allowing myself to not become too overwhelmed by the competing priorities in my life: main job, part time job, graduate school, #YoungLife, my own therapy, tests, papers, meetings, advocacy work, homework, and my very minimal social life (which I hope is temporary). Tonight, I stop for a moment to reflect. I am taking a break from my books to write because it makes me happy! I need to feel sane tonight! I am l

What's All This Hot Pink About?

I'm so excited to officially have a blog up and running. My name is Mindy. I live in Colorado. I love all things outdoors winter, spring, summer, and fall. My favorite things in life include mountains, sunshine, waterfalls, friends, family, live acoustic music, Jesus, writing, having deep conversations over coffee, adventure, YoungLife, and being a recovery advocate for eating disorders. My intention is to be authentic, passionate, and real in all my posts. I hope what I wri