Why Do Numbers Hold So Much Power?
The past week has been incredibly stressful. I have struggled with allowing myself to not become too overwhelmed by the competing priorities in my life: main job, part time job, graduate school, #YoungLife, my own therapy, tests, papers, meetings, advocacy work, homework, and my very minimal social life (which I hope is temporary).
Tonight, I stop for a moment to reflect. I am taking a break from my books to write because it makes me happy! I need to feel sane tonight! I am learning, instead of powering through my "competing priorities", taking small breaks throughout the day and even my week is helpful. I feel recharged and can focus even more when I restart. Today, I was also able to incorporate movement into my day to feel refreshed!
I have noticed with these overwhelming feels and stresses that the voice of my eating disorder, who I refer to as "Coach", sneaks in. He tells me that it's "ok" to skip a meal, workout a little longer, keep eating and then skip snack, and isolate. He tells me if I'm not perfect in every faction of my life to quit. Coach convinced me last week that I needed to know my weight. So, I listened and weighed myself. This was triggered by going to the doctor's office the day before and doing a blind weight there. I "accidentally" saw my weight when I logged into the online portal to check on a lab result. Seeing the number gave me permission to double check it the next morning.
Seeing the number on the scale was not helpful to myself or my recovery. A few days later, I was attending a support group at The Eating Disorder Foundation where another participant had a similar experience during the week. As we processed as a group, I realized what weighing myself was doing something for me. The eating disorder worked for me for along time until it stopped working. Weighing myself used to work for me. Today, weighing myself no longer works for me because I chose #livinginthhotpink.
Weighing myself gave me a way to create rules and rituals to follow in the midst of my chaotic life. I think that is what happened last week. My life was so chaotic, overwhelming, and stressful. In order to feel in control, I weighed myself. The number then dictated how I should and shouldn't operate throughout my day. The number bothered me for a few days. It stopped bothering me after I went to group at EDF.
I'm grateful that I can sit in uncomfortable times and feelings like overwhelming stress without engaging in the eating disorder like I used to in the past. Bye bye Coach, hello Mindy Lou!
Now just breathe into the sunset...